Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy." Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?" Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time."

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it. "How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver. "Who was that?" asks Lena. "I have no idea, Lena, " answers Ole. "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear."

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother. "Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked. "Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena. "And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole. "Da stork brought me, " his mother answered. "And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired. "Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena replied. With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No, " replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh, " said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. Ole was to call when he was on his way home from town. Ole called Lena when he entered the freeway. "Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home." Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway." "It's worse than that Lena, where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"

Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes, " replied the pilot. "That's too much, " said Ole. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort. "Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked. "51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded. "What did you do in 51 days?" he probed. "Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"

Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."
Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?" Lena: "In da lake."

Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."


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